The Offers You Missed: 10/17

149 offers gone, 351 remain...

Who wants to eat the last meal and say the last words of the last person to be executed?

Who wants to help vegetable trump animal?

Who wants a man to strip naked and forfeit his magnifying glass for a period not to exceed three minutes?

Who wants the sweetest stuff to fall out of the sky and onto their face?

Who wants erotic tales whispered into both of their ears at once?

Who wants to ask a series of questions guaranteed to make a sad stutterer stutter?

Who wants to open someone's hope chest?

Who wants their virginity restored?

Who wants a pie in the face for each year of their life?

Who wants to visit the human petting zoo?

Who wants to pick something I can't use for the rest of the night? I'll do the show without a waist, without an arm, without my face...

Who wants to be in the show on a night of their choosing?

Who wants to enact an imaginary murder and then flee the scene of the crime?

Who wants to take their chances with a can of whipped cream?

Who wants to put their head on my shoulder?

Who wants to be looked at, really looked at, deep into your eyes and down into your soul?

Who wants to walk on the moon?

Who wants to see the Emperor's Fashion Show?

Who wants to learn how to pick locks?

Who wants a pet to take home with them?

Who wants three very different dances with three very different partners?

Who wants to hear the touching, real-life tale of a man who traveled over 6,000 miles to lose his virginity?

Who wants to biggest hair in the room?

Who wants to watch someone jump up and down for as long as they can until they drop from exhaustion?

Who wants a detailed evaluation of the first impression they make?

Who wants to erase their regret forever? The formula will be revealed in private.

Who wants a life mask of their face?

Who wants an artist to draw their organs on the outside of their body?

Who wants to be deprived of their senses for twelve minutes?

Who wants to audition a triple threat?

Who wants to fill a little person with the stuff of life?

Who wants to challenge me to a staring contest?

The Offers You Missed: 10/16

117 offers gone, 383 remain...

Who wants to watch an array of ladies and gentlemen pee in unison?

Who wants to be a young composer's muse?

Who wants to supercharge their self-esteem?

Who wants to learn exactly what I've consumed since October the 4th?

Who wants to feed someone soup made from your socks?

Who wants uh uh uh uhhhhh?

Who wants the touch of 40 different textures?

Who wants to have their way with a beard?

Who wants a relaxing massage utilizing the feet-face method?

Who wants their name sewn on their underpants?

Who wants to purify a man with duct tape?

Who wants to be fed gold and silver?

Who wants to enjoy a meal in the primary color of their choice?

Who wants to deface the walls of my parlour?

Who wants to make everyone breathe easier?

Who wants to be frosted like a cupcake?

Who wants to invade someone's personal space? Conquer it, and receive the title of ownership.

Who wants to read a great book in only 20 minutes?

Who wants bacon in their ice cream?

Who wants to play the gentlemen's game of Cottabus?

Who wants to experience magical thinking?

Who wants their purse or wallet turned into a place of interest?

Who wants to send a Black Valentine?

Who wants a five minute nudist colony?

Who wants a dance break?

Who wants to be the life of the party?

Who wants to be continued? Receive a surprise performance at a later date.

Who wants the price of their ticket in groceries?

Who wants to watch someone sit in a bowl of tomato soup and then paint your name with their bare buttocks?

Who wants an old-fashioned silhouette modeled after their mother's face?

The Offers You Missed: 10/12

86 offers gone, 414 remain...

Who wants to hear a choicest, plumpest piece of gossip?

Who wants to burn a bible and an American flag?

Who wants to can-can on grapes with the ladies?

Who wants to receive a congratulatory degree?

Who wants to raid my medicine cabinet?

Who wants quadruple penetration?

Who wants to walk the high wire?

Who wants to conduct a car horn symphony?

Who wants to see a beautiful hand ballet?

Who wants to have that man washed right out of their hair?

Who wants to have a spell cast on them?

Who wants to be made sticky in 7 different ways?

Who wants the history of lobotomy relayed in limerick form?

Who wants strange impressions left on their skin?

Who wants to dress me in whatever you like from the costume box?

Who wants to help a lonely stranger sew his torn-up stuffed animal back together?

Who wants to let someone else pick an offer for you?

Who wants an adventure in the palm of their hand?

Who wants to play the Hansel and Gretel game?

Who wants to dress up as a nurse and administer shock treatment?

Who wants opera in a can?

Who wants to cook s'mores on an indoor campfire?

Who wants to read a short story that's written entirely on a human body?

Who wants to do 3 shots of whiskey to the pre-recorded sounds of hot, nasty sex?

Who wants to know how I like it, why I like it, when I like it, and where I like it?

Who wants a date?

Who wants to dance without a hint of self-consciousness? You will finally be free.

The Offers You Missed: Oct 11th

59 offers gone, 441 remain...

Who wants to listen to an unreleased musical masterpeice?

Who wants to taxidermy an animal that was picked up off the road just today?

Who wants their feet to be coddled like newborn babies?

Who wants to shave a head?

Who wants to play the human piano?

Who wants to try and catch a series of increasingly unwieldy objects?

Who wants to witness a daring display of love and vulnerability?

Who wants to dig up grandpa's corpse?

Who wants to listen to 10 different versions of the greatest song ever written?

Who wants to be above the law? Choose to commit one of three different crimes. We'll never tell.

Who wants to watch 5 people receive their offers?

Who wants to sit and spin?

Who wants a ticket to the second act of a different show?

Who wants to leave here tonight convinced that they are pretty?

Who wants to be the funniest person in the room?

Who wants a 15-minute hug?

Who wants indoor fireworks?

Who wants to be born again?

Who wants to be gently supported as you learn to stand on your head?

Who wants a portrait of themselves at 80?

Who wants to guess who's wearing a fat suit? Get it right, and they'll strip it off before your eyes.

Who wants a pillow fight with a clean ending?

Who wants to be kissed in 15 different cultures?

Who wants to hear Joseph sing?

Who wants to use Grandfather's pogo stick?

Who wants to watch an identical concert played on three different types of accordians?

Who wants ghost stories beneath sheets?

Who wants their entire body to be covered in Post-It notes that say "I love you?"

Who wants to watch a real live birth?

Who wants to be fitted for stilts and paraded about as our new tall friend?

The Offers You Missed: October 10th

29 offers gone, 471 remain...

Who wants the march of ages?

Who wants to be mired in the filth of modernity and then rinsed clean with the tears of an angel?

Who want their shoes to be tap shoes?

Who wants to examine an uncut one?

Who wants a flip book of themselves?

Who wants to save a crustacean?

Who wants the massage of 1000 hands?

Who wants a bare ass canvas on which to paint their masterpiece?

Who wants to watch two home-schooled sisters perform a Lincoln-Douglass debate?

Who wants a lifetime supply of something?

Who wants to receive fan mail for a week?

Who wants to see a magic trick that isn't very magical but just might shed some light on your condition?

Who wants to candle their ears or pot their netty?

Who wants to build something that you know will last?

Who wants to meet the green faerie?

Who wants to watch someone eat a plateful of fire--one fat, flaming bite at a time?

Who wants to spoon and be spooned, all at once?

Who wants miniature matchbox cars to massage their scalp?

Who wants to attend the world's tiniest church service?

Who wants to see me at my most angry?

Who wants to dream a little dream?

Who wants to hear the music of my ancestors?

Who wants me to phone them exactly one year from tonight? We'll chat like old friends.

Who wants a very special wake-up call tomorrow morning?

Who wants to partake in the rest of the show as an inanimate object?

Who wants Babe Ruth air conditioning?

Who wants a lesson in the birth and death of stars?

Who wants an aphrodisiac for each of the five senses?

Who wants to discover a new way of achieving euphoria?