Sunday, November 09, 2008

Casket of Passing Fancy: The Untaken, Pt. 2

Here are the remainder of the pitiable offers that nobody wanted...

Who wants two large bowls of pudding? One for eating, one for sitting.
Who wants to stay after the show and clean up after other people's fun?
Who wants a pregnancy test?
Who wants four courses of global warming?
Who wants to be priest for the day?
Who wants all of the lint and hair removed from their clothing using magnifying glasses and tweezers?
Who wants to take the best piss of their life?
Who wants someone to scream for as long as possible, as loud as possible, until they lose their voice?
Who wants a good shrimping?
Who wants to stick their fingers down someone's throat and see what happens?
Who wants to get figged?
Who wants to escape from the theatre?
Who wants to watch someone suffer?
Who wants someone to shit all over them?
Who wants their clothing dyed a single color?
Who wants to vomit into the mouth of a new friend?
Who wants to be led to a room where the lights are dim, blindfolded, bent over, and then...?
Who wants to be spoon-fed communist propaganda? Literally.
Who wants to try and french kiss an angry possum? (courtesy of an audience member who chose to write an offer that would be prepared for the following night's show)
Who wants to poop their pants?
Who wants to watch someone eat a whole lemon and chase it with a raw onion?
Who wants to make her sweat--by any means you can think of?
Who wants to bet they can drink a gallon of milk?
Who wants to soak their tired balls?
Who wants the blood of a performer to take home with them?
Who wants an enema?
Who wants to have an orifice, any orifice, sterilized with a high-pressure flow of cleansing, natural water?
Who wants to bob for butter?
Who wants to hump my leg like a dog?
Who wants to feel the cunt of my desk?
Who wants the show to end?
Who wants three minutes to convert us to their religion?
Who wants to see their face as another race?
Who wants to watch a man eat his shoe?

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Casket of Passing Fancy: The Untaken, Pt. 1

By popular demand, here's a first installment of the offers that NO ONE wanted. While some of these were passed over for obvious reasons, others weren't really read in opportune moments or may have fallen victim to imperfect phrasing. This is the saddest part of the Casket for me: all of these damn fine offers, meticulously prepared, that will never be experienced. I wish we'd planned some sort of everything-must-go marathon performance at the end of the run.

Who wants to get in a car accident?
Who wants petite guignol? 
Who wants to quit smoking, extinguishing their last cigarette on a man's hand?
Who wants all they can eat: one tiny piece at a time?
Who wants to be sprayed with 25 different smells?
Who wants a letter writing campaign to support a cause of their choice?
Who wants whatever it takes to clear their sinuses?
Who wants to look in the mirror and see the horrible creatures that have been following you around for days?
Who wants at least five clothed persons to hold up in front of their chest the size of coin that best describes their nipples?
Who wants to watch a riveting performance of their credit report?
Who wants their clothes hand-pressed with extra starch?
Who wants a second person to get into their clothes with them?
Who wants to swap saliva with themselves?
Who wants to be convinced it's them and not you?
Who wants a pillow and a blanket, a little bed, warm milk, a lullaby, and your favorite nightlight plugged into the wall?
Who wants tan skin and white teeth?
Who wants to find the body in the car trunk?
Who wants to adopt a grandma?
Who wants to play nursing home?
Who wants to take a rest on a luxurious derriere?
Who wants to watch a man sing all the songs he knows by heart?
Who wants to extract a molar from a very unusual location?
Who wants to have their eyebrows shaved as the bell tolls?
Who wants their childhood enemy to be beaten and then eaten?
Who wants to be walled inside a tower of tires?
Who wants a leeching?
Who wants the comfort of critique?
Who wants to receive a little toilet so you can do your business ANYWHERE in the theatre?
Who wants a steam bath of human breath?
Who wants to trade clothes with one of my domestics?
Who wants musical sardines?
Who wants access to hours and hours of rehearsal footage?
Who wants to exchange their wallet's worth of cash for an equal amount in pennies?
Who wants a tour of the dressing room, where you can sniff the actors' panties?
Who wants 10 minutes to turn him queer?
Who wants to dig for truffles like a little piggy?
Who wants to say hello and goodbye to head lice?
Who wants a bigger forehead?
Who wants to have their temperature taken five different ways? The thermometer will be yours to keep.
Who wants to be brined in a tub?
Who wants sniffing powder?

Monday, November 03, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 11/1

424 offers gone, 76 never to be taken.

The game is over! We began with the March of Ages and ended with a renewal of vows. Here are the final night's offers:

Who wants to break flesh?

Who wants to wear 50 shirts and no pants?

Who wants to throw a little party for themselves?

Who wants a stone's throw of nog?

Who wants to learn exactly what their appendix does?

Who wants to be funny shaped?

Who wants to watch someone have an orgasm?

Who wants to experience 5 classic gags?

Who wants America the Recitation?

Who wants to invest in a tontine?

Who wants to rent a body part to the highest bidder?

Who wants to apply and remove 25 clothespins?

Who wants to hear someone inhale a piece of chamber music?

Who wants a mouth full of sugar and a mouth full of salt?

Who wants holes? Any hole you find in the theatre will be filled with a meaningful substance.

Who wants to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife?

Who wants to sup on soft, sweet flesh?

Who wants to receive a candid evaluation of their beauty?

Who wants a drink?

Who wants to become a friend of Bill?

Who wants to be fed like a baby bird?

Who wants to ask a bunch a few questions?

Who wants to sit upon the Stool of Repentance?

Who wants their blemishes drained of pus and cleaned with a warm washcloth? What issues forth will be saved and relished.

Who wants swimming lessons in a small pool filled with live fishies?

Who wants to sit in an isolated room and receive typewritten dispatches describing tonight's events as they happen?

Who wants to feel like the sanest person in the room?

Who wants to find out how much they're worth as meat?

Who wants to make it rain blood?

Who wants shoes on their hands, gloves on their feet, a mile to run, then something to eat?

Who wants to renew their vows?

Saturday, November 01, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/31

393 offers gone, 107 remain...

Who wants to perform the morning routine on a half-risen sleepyhead from out-of-bed to out-the-door?

Who wants to have their pubic hair shaved and then be fitted with a merkin?

Who wants a rubber mold of their genitals?

Who wants to destroy a grown man's favorite childhood toy?

Who wants to give a man's face two good, really hard, heartfelt slaps, after each of which he will smile and kiss you on the forehead?

Who wants to take a nap in a nest of human hair?

Who wants to have their teeth cleaned by four hands holding four little brushes? Every nook and cranny will be lovingly explored.

Who wants to be the inspiration for a dance?

Who wants to have their pants pumped full of air?

Who wants to choose from five mystery pills, each of which will cause an extremely different outcome?

Who wants to race?

Who wants to feed a predator?

Who wants to try and stay in their seat for the next two minutes? Bet you can't.

Who wants a new twist on phone sex?

Who wants to watch lots and lots of impressions of famous people taking baths or walking their dogs?

Who wants someone to connect your dots?

Who wants to learn how to make bread, Roman style?

Who wants identical paintjobs for their shoes, socks, and feet?

Who wants to watch paint dry?

Who wants someone to make them sick and then get them well?

Who wants to pick out the true devil in the room? He or she shall either be worshipped or run out on a rail.

Who wants to save Sisyphus?

Who wants to choose between a sponge bath, a spit bath, and a blood bath?

Who wants the sum of all mortality?

Who wants to get burned in ways they never expected?

Who wants naughty bits?

Who wants to be thoroughly inoculated against Black Death?

Who wants to lust after my daughter?

Who wants to learn a Dick Van Dance?

Who wants to experience the pure art of finger puppets?

Who wants to get carried away?