Saturday, November 08, 2008

Casket of Passing Fancy: The Untaken, Pt. 1

By popular demand, here's a first installment of the offers that NO ONE wanted. While some of these were passed over for obvious reasons, others weren't really read in opportune moments or may have fallen victim to imperfect phrasing. This is the saddest part of the Casket for me: all of these damn fine offers, meticulously prepared, that will never be experienced. I wish we'd planned some sort of everything-must-go marathon performance at the end of the run.

Who wants to get in a car accident?
Who wants petite guignol? 
Who wants to quit smoking, extinguishing their last cigarette on a man's hand?
Who wants all they can eat: one tiny piece at a time?
Who wants to be sprayed with 25 different smells?
Who wants a letter writing campaign to support a cause of their choice?
Who wants whatever it takes to clear their sinuses?
Who wants to look in the mirror and see the horrible creatures that have been following you around for days?
Who wants at least five clothed persons to hold up in front of their chest the size of coin that best describes their nipples?
Who wants to watch a riveting performance of their credit report?
Who wants their clothes hand-pressed with extra starch?
Who wants a second person to get into their clothes with them?
Who wants to swap saliva with themselves?
Who wants to be convinced it's them and not you?
Who wants a pillow and a blanket, a little bed, warm milk, a lullaby, and your favorite nightlight plugged into the wall?
Who wants tan skin and white teeth?
Who wants to find the body in the car trunk?
Who wants to adopt a grandma?
Who wants to play nursing home?
Who wants to take a rest on a luxurious derriere?
Who wants to watch a man sing all the songs he knows by heart?
Who wants to extract a molar from a very unusual location?
Who wants to have their eyebrows shaved as the bell tolls?
Who wants their childhood enemy to be beaten and then eaten?
Who wants to be walled inside a tower of tires?
Who wants a leeching?
Who wants the comfort of critique?
Who wants to receive a little toilet so you can do your business ANYWHERE in the theatre?
Who wants a steam bath of human breath?
Who wants to trade clothes with one of my domestics?
Who wants musical sardines?
Who wants access to hours and hours of rehearsal footage?
Who wants to exchange their wallet's worth of cash for an equal amount in pennies?
Who wants a tour of the dressing room, where you can sniff the actors' panties?
Who wants 10 minutes to turn him queer?
Who wants to dig for truffles like a little piggy?
Who wants to say hello and goodbye to head lice?
Who wants a bigger forehead?
Who wants to have their temperature taken five different ways? The thermometer will be yours to keep.
Who wants to be brined in a tub?
Who wants sniffing powder?

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