Friday, October 31, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/30

362 offers gone, 138 remain...

Who wants a deeper voice?

Who wants to experience the bubbling bliss of yogic flying?

Who wants to eat a box of Twinkies as the origins of every ingredient are relayed in great detail?

Who wants to cover themselves in syrup and roll around in beautiful fall leaves collected from the grounds of a Texas landmark?

Who wants to see a light show from a man's zipper?

Who wants someone to be their childhood pet, reanimated?

Who wants to go to the drive-in and wallow, really wallow, in every terrible little thing?

Who wants to be made into a sandwich, and eaten?

Who wants a one-on-one yoga session in the nude?

Who wants to drink champagne from my slipper?

Who wants to see a reading of Eugene O'Neill's lost masterpiece: ABORTION?

Who wants to be blindfolded and then abandoned in a part of town they've never seen? (UPDATE: Mikaela successfully fled the creepy rural outskirts of East Austin and found her way to a Red Lobster.)

Who wants to burn a hundred calories?

Who wants to take the clown college final exam?

Who wants to hear sounds not meant for human ears?

Who wants to learn how it ends?

Who wants tricks and treats inside their mouth?

Who wants me to call your mother for you?

Who wants George and Johnny?

Who wants to hear a detailed description of my personal backstage rituals?

Who wants to be touched with a ten foot pole?

Who wants the heaviest handbag?

Who wants to be part of a dervish?

Who wants to play tennis against the hardest opponent?

Who wants to eat from the four food groups of the apocalypse?

Who wants to be my fourth husband... or my first wife?

Who wants a series of people to present you with their least favorite parts of themselves?

Who wants an estate sale?

Who wants to provide live sound effects as someone reenacts the experience of losing their virginity?

Who wants to shave my legs?

Who wants a glass of the most nutritious beverage in the world?

Who wants to look like they have emotions?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/26

330 offers gone, 170 remain...

Who wants to encase their fists in gelatin?

Who wants a write-in vote in the next presidential election, OR an extra vote for the candidate of their choice?

Who wants black lips and red hands?

Who wants to plant a flower in someone's mouth?

Who wants to spank someone against their will, all in the name of fun?

Who wants to watch a man pee his cellophane pants?

Who wants to see parts of themselves that they've never seen before?

Who wants to be treated like the current weather conditions?

Who wants to feel like they just won the big game?

Who wants everyone to do the hokey pokey?

Who wants to receive a complete list of who accepted each of my offers?

Who wants to see the flickering footage of an old Torah ceremony run by Jewish gangsters?

Who wants to vandalize a human being?

Who wants to have the backs of their knees licked?

Who wants to top our pyramid?

Who wants to play tug-of-war against an unseen opponent?

Who wants it to look like they have a trophy cock?

Who wants all-you-can-eat holy communion?

Who wants minks? Everyone will wear one for you.

Who wants to be squeezed until the juice runs down their leg?

Who wants to hold hands with a man who won't let go?

Who wants me to describe my genitals in great detail? You can compare my observations and thoughts to a photograph.

Who wants to provide the missing piece? Write an offer that will become part of the game.

Who wants to smoke banana peels?

Who wants to learn true wisdom from the ankles up?

Who wants to learn how to separate truth from humbug?

Who wants an unfortunate Easter egg hunt?

Who wants to be a peroxide blonde?

Who wants to hear the last word of Moby Dick, which explains not only the book itself, but what it means to be an American?

Who wants to have their heart stopped?

Who wants the passion of the Christ?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/25

299 offers gone, 201 remain...

Who wants to spend the night in a flophouse?

Who wants to experience the placebo effect?

Who wants to wake the giant sleeping robot?

Who wants to be groped in 3/4 time?

Who wants too much of a good thing?

Who wants a perfume made from their own bodily fluids?

Who wants to feed a sharp-toothed puppet?

Who wants a Yiddish lesson?

Who wants to mouth kiss?

Who wants their hairs plucked?

Who wants to receive a sausage stuffed with holiday treats?

Who wants to throw ripe fruit at me?

Who wants to drop babies?

Who wants to look like they have great tits?

Who wants as many inches as you have oceans? Puppies?

Who wants to choose their offer from the dumpster?

Who wants to steal memories from the photo albums of strangers?

Who wants to be an identity thief?

Who wants to forget they ever saw this?

Who wants to watch a scene from whatever chestnut just closed at Austin Playhouse?

Who wants a tender eyelid massage?

Who wants real tears shed for you?

Who wants to learn what homosexuals really do in the bedroom?

Who wants to participate in the Knight of the Whistle ceremony?

Who wants to be a martyr and give an extra offer to your date?

Who wants to have their crotch sniffed?

Who wants to hear things about other people that will make you feel so much better about yourself?

Who wants to hear the most beautiful words ever written, told with hot breath in your ears?

Who wants to be carried on someone's back until they just can't take it anymore?

Who wants a good home for anything you wish wasn't in your car?

Who wants to dissect a fetal pig with a lab partner?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/24

268 offers gone, 232 remain...

Who wants to learn what it takes to be an American?

Who wants to hide a gumball in their underpants and let someone retrieve it using only their mouth?

Who wants to braid someone's pubic beard?

Who wants to style hair with peanut butter and jelly?

Who wants to be cared for like only a mother can?

Who wants to solemnly swear that they'll never lie again to anyone, EVER?

Who wants to blow some things up?

Who wants a week of room and board in the worst city in America?

Who wants to be numb, but not dumb?

Who wants a 5-star meal served to them from the toilet?

Who wants process over product?

Who wants some time to clear up any misconceptions you think people may have about you?

Who wants to be polished like the finest silver?

Who wants Elmer's glue, on their arms, blown dry, peeled off?

Who wants to learn about a crime that's been committed and decide on a fair punishment?

Who wants a Samuel Beckett experience?

Who wants to preserve the last of their beauty?

Who wants to break a bottle over someone's head?

Who wants to be dressed for dinner?

Who wants 15 things that have fallen from the sky?

Who wants a kiss from a married woman?

Who wants to be taken out back and shown a secret surprise?

Who wants to slow dance with a hirsute?

Who wants their entire face covered in lip balm, and then kissed?

Who wants to have their hair lovingly brushed while they describe all of the houses or apartments they've lived in?

Who wants a 90 second manicure-pedicure with one person on each appendage?

Who wants their pockets filled with something rich?

Who wants to be bedazzled?

Who wants to experience the fifth taste?

Who wants to be gussied up in lady dress, painted, and paraded?

Who wants to be fed a delicious dessert with dainty fingers in mouth and on lips?

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/23

237 offers gone, 263 remain...

Who wants to watch my stag film?

Who wants a ride to the border, leaving NOW?

Who wants a chocolate facial?

Who wants to be measured, weighed, and documented in great detail?

Who wants to paint their Ruben?

Who wants nudity?

Who wants a topographic map made from their body?

Who wants to choose between being the pigeon and being the statue?

Who wants a tiny totem you?

Who wants fried eggs upon her shoulders?

Who wants a hand-painted birthday suit?

Who wants a person to thoroughly and completely devote himself to you?

Who wants to rip someone's clothes off?

Who wants audio proof of their historic conversation with Richard Nixon?

Who wants to suck on tits?

Who wants a 5th grade slumber party?

Who wants to visit stuffed animal heaven?

Who wants to play barber with a real head of hair?

Who wants the one and only copy of a map that leads to a secret treasure buried somewhere in Texas?

Who wants a singing telegram delivered to a person of their choice?

Who wants to read by the light of cats?

Who wants to shoot the messenger 13 times?

Who wants a taste of their own medicine?

Who wants to frown upside down?

Who wants a second chance? Pick an offer that was passed over earlier tonight.

Who wants to be bundled up? Be as cozily warm as you'll ever be.

Who wants to earn a merit badge?

Who wants to watch the rest of the show from above it all?

Who wants to burp?

Who wants to pull a man's socks off through his fly?

Who wants to taste the fruits of outer space?

Who wants to be caught in the etiquette net?

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/19

206 offers gone, 294 remain...

Who wants to hallucinate?

Who wants to blow bubbles and suck peppermint?

Who wants a smelly secretary to take dictation for them?

Who wants a lullaby in a foreign language?

Who wants to be wrapped up in daisies, wrapped up in plumbs, enveloped in posies, a thousand aching thumbs?

Who wants to be queen for a day?

Who wants to give the air meaning?

Who wants it to be just you and him and a hundred matches in a dark room?

Who wants to have a really good conversation? We'll provide the script.

Who wants a whirlwind romance complete with champagne, hickeys, and your name sung off the rooftops?

Who wants to make a graceful exit?

Who wants to participate in a watermelon eating contest?

Who wants a phone call from a very important person?

Who wants to go to Schlitterbahn?

Who wants to learn how to make pickles?

Who wants to be on the top or the bottom of a dog pile?

Who wants to open their Christmas presents early this year?

Who wants to pack up all your cares and woes and send them to a complete stranger?

Who wants an arousing pony ride?

Who wants to be a silent partner?

Who wants to be wrapped up like a Christmas cracker?

Who wants me to give up one of my vices?

Who wants to be a voyeur?

Who wants the chance to break open a very special pinata?

Who wants to play a private game of "smells?"

Who wants to hear a lady banker tell a secret about each of her 57 boyfriends?

Who wants a custom-made suit of newspaper, tailored to their specifications?

Who wants forgiveness?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/18

178 offers gone, 322 remain...

Who wants to help an alcoholic woman change her baby's diaper?

Who wants to fill the space with the horrible noise of rock-n-roll?

Who wants to wrestle?

Who wants a first-born child named after them? (The child will be christened Curtis Luciani Hislope!)

Who wants a whiteface keepsake?

Who wants to learn a classic routine by Laurel and Hardy?

Who wants a field day?

Who wants squatting rights?

Who wants to have all of their pressure points pressed?

Who wants an intermission?

Who wants a song to be sung on their body?

Who wants to fondle a founding father?

Who wants to paint by tongue?

Who wants hickeys where you least expect them?

Who wants to tattoo an ass with their name?

Who wants to be regaled with stories of Austin's finest whores?

Who wants to spread their seed?

Who wants winter?

Who wants hues of breathtaking distinction?

Who wants to be buried alive?

Who wants the perfect disguise?

Who wants to stop time?

Who wants to be included in my will?

Who wants a living keychain?

Who wants a hymn and a him?

Who wants to find out if the medium is the massage?

Who wants to be formally presented to society?

Who wants to tie someone up and watch them try to escape?

Who wants to have a biography written about them?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/17

149 offers gone, 351 remain...

Who wants to eat the last meal and say the last words of the last person to be executed?

Who wants to help vegetable trump animal?

Who wants a man to strip naked and forfeit his magnifying glass for a period not to exceed three minutes?

Who wants the sweetest stuff to fall out of the sky and onto their face?

Who wants erotic tales whispered into both of their ears at once?

Who wants to ask a series of questions guaranteed to make a sad stutterer stutter?

Who wants to open someone's hope chest?

Who wants their virginity restored?

Who wants a pie in the face for each year of their life?

Who wants to visit the human petting zoo?

Who wants to pick something I can't use for the rest of the night? I'll do the show without a waist, without an arm, without my face...

Who wants to be in the show on a night of their choosing?

Who wants to enact an imaginary murder and then flee the scene of the crime?

Who wants to take their chances with a can of whipped cream?

Who wants to put their head on my shoulder?

Who wants to be looked at, really looked at, deep into your eyes and down into your soul?

Who wants to walk on the moon?

Who wants to see the Emperor's Fashion Show?

Who wants to learn how to pick locks?

Who wants a pet to take home with them?

Who wants three very different dances with three very different partners?

Who wants to hear the touching, real-life tale of a man who traveled over 6,000 miles to lose his virginity?

Who wants to biggest hair in the room?

Who wants to watch someone jump up and down for as long as they can until they drop from exhaustion?

Who wants a detailed evaluation of the first impression they make?

Who wants to erase their regret forever? The formula will be revealed in private.

Who wants a life mask of their face?

Who wants an artist to draw their organs on the outside of their body?

Who wants to be deprived of their senses for twelve minutes?

Who wants to audition a triple threat?

Who wants to fill a little person with the stuff of life?

Who wants to challenge me to a staring contest?

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/16

117 offers gone, 383 remain...

Who wants to watch an array of ladies and gentlemen pee in unison?

Who wants to be a young composer's muse?

Who wants to supercharge their self-esteem?

Who wants to learn exactly what I've consumed since October the 4th?

Who wants to feed someone soup made from your socks?

Who wants uh uh uh uhhhhh?

Who wants the touch of 40 different textures?

Who wants to have their way with a beard?

Who wants a relaxing massage utilizing the feet-face method?

Who wants their name sewn on their underpants?

Who wants to purify a man with duct tape?

Who wants to be fed gold and silver?

Who wants to enjoy a meal in the primary color of their choice?

Who wants to deface the walls of my parlour?

Who wants to make everyone breathe easier?

Who wants to be frosted like a cupcake?

Who wants to invade someone's personal space? Conquer it, and receive the title of ownership.

Who wants to read a great book in only 20 minutes?

Who wants bacon in their ice cream?

Who wants to play the gentlemen's game of Cottabus?

Who wants to experience magical thinking?

Who wants their purse or wallet turned into a place of interest?

Who wants to send a Black Valentine?

Who wants a five minute nudist colony?

Who wants a dance break?

Who wants to be the life of the party?

Who wants to be continued? Receive a surprise performance at a later date.

Who wants the price of their ticket in groceries?

Who wants to watch someone sit in a bowl of tomato soup and then paint your name with their bare buttocks?

Who wants an old-fashioned silhouette modeled after their mother's face?

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Offers You Missed: 10/12

86 offers gone, 414 remain...

Who wants to hear a choicest, plumpest piece of gossip?

Who wants to burn a bible and an American flag?

Who wants to can-can on grapes with the ladies?

Who wants to receive a congratulatory degree?

Who wants to raid my medicine cabinet?

Who wants quadruple penetration?

Who wants to walk the high wire?

Who wants to conduct a car horn symphony?

Who wants to see a beautiful hand ballet?

Who wants to have that man washed right out of their hair?

Who wants to have a spell cast on them?

Who wants to be made sticky in 7 different ways?

Who wants the history of lobotomy relayed in limerick form?

Who wants strange impressions left on their skin?

Who wants to dress me in whatever you like from the costume box?

Who wants to help a lonely stranger sew his torn-up stuffed animal back together?

Who wants to let someone else pick an offer for you?

Who wants an adventure in the palm of their hand?

Who wants to play the Hansel and Gretel game?

Who wants to dress up as a nurse and administer shock treatment?

Who wants opera in a can?

Who wants to cook s'mores on an indoor campfire?

Who wants to read a short story that's written entirely on a human body?

Who wants to do 3 shots of whiskey to the pre-recorded sounds of hot, nasty sex?

Who wants to know how I like it, why I like it, when I like it, and where I like it?

Who wants a date?

Who wants to dance without a hint of self-consciousness? You will finally be free.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Offers You Missed: Oct 11th

59 offers gone, 441 remain...

Who wants to listen to an unreleased musical masterpeice?

Who wants to taxidermy an animal that was picked up off the road just today?

Who wants their feet to be coddled like newborn babies?

Who wants to shave a head?

Who wants to play the human piano?

Who wants to try and catch a series of increasingly unwieldy objects?

Who wants to witness a daring display of love and vulnerability?

Who wants to dig up grandpa's corpse?

Who wants to listen to 10 different versions of the greatest song ever written?

Who wants to be above the law? Choose to commit one of three different crimes. We'll never tell.

Who wants to watch 5 people receive their offers?

Who wants to sit and spin?

Who wants a ticket to the second act of a different show?

Who wants to leave here tonight convinced that they are pretty?

Who wants to be the funniest person in the room?

Who wants a 15-minute hug?

Who wants indoor fireworks?

Who wants to be born again?

Who wants to be gently supported as you learn to stand on your head?

Who wants a portrait of themselves at 80?

Who wants to guess who's wearing a fat suit? Get it right, and they'll strip it off before your eyes.

Who wants a pillow fight with a clean ending?

Who wants to be kissed in 15 different cultures?

Who wants to hear Joseph sing?

Who wants to use Grandfather's pogo stick?

Who wants to watch an identical concert played on three different types of accordians?

Who wants ghost stories beneath sheets?

Who wants their entire body to be covered in Post-It notes that say "I love you?"

Who wants to watch a real live birth?

Who wants to be fitted for stilts and paraded about as our new tall friend?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Offers You Missed: October 10th

29 offers gone, 471 remain...

Who wants the march of ages?

Who wants to be mired in the filth of modernity and then rinsed clean with the tears of an angel?

Who want their shoes to be tap shoes?

Who wants to examine an uncut one?

Who wants a flip book of themselves?

Who wants to save a crustacean?

Who wants the massage of 1000 hands?

Who wants a bare ass canvas on which to paint their masterpiece?

Who wants to watch two home-schooled sisters perform a Lincoln-Douglass debate?

Who wants a lifetime supply of something?

Who wants to receive fan mail for a week?

Who wants to see a magic trick that isn't very magical but just might shed some light on your condition?

Who wants to candle their ears or pot their netty?

Who wants to build something that you know will last?

Who wants to meet the green faerie?

Who wants to watch someone eat a plateful of fire--one fat, flaming bite at a time?

Who wants to spoon and be spooned, all at once?

Who wants miniature matchbox cars to massage their scalp?

Who wants to attend the world's tiniest church service?

Who wants to see me at my most angry?

Who wants to dream a little dream?

Who wants to hear the music of my ancestors?

Who wants me to phone them exactly one year from tonight? We'll chat like old friends.

Who wants a very special wake-up call tomorrow morning?

Who wants to partake in the rest of the show as an inanimate object?

Who wants Babe Ruth air conditioning?

Who wants a lesson in the birth and death of stars?

Who wants an aphrodisiac for each of the five senses?

Who wants to discover a new way of achieving euphoria?

Thursday, October 09, 2008

The Duchess Hits the Streets

The Chronicle once again humbles us by paying attention to what we're doing. Here's Wayne Alan Brenner's lively explanation of our new show (as well as some background on Rubber Rep that we can vouch for as 99.5% accurate).

Monday, October 06, 2008

the fury of the load-in, pt. 1

seemingly YEARS in the making, the casket will finally open this friday.